Night Wonderings

It is 5:24AM and I am awake.

I am not a morning person, so this is not intentional.

I went to bed shortly before midnight. Around 3:45, I woke up and heard some scuttling noises indicating that a child was up and using the bathroom. For some reason, I could not get back to sleep.

I got up and saw that a crack of light under Lexi's door, so I went into her room. She was sitting on her bed, examining her toe by the light of her reading lamp. Apparently she got up to go to the bathroom but her toe was hurting a lot.

It looked like a hangnail/someone possibly biting their toenails (ew) situation, so I got her a bandaid and wrapped it around the offending toe. She then told me that she is too cold with the fan on but too hot with the fan off. I helped her change out of the Christmas sweater she decided to wear to bed and into a t-shirt instead. Then I tucked her back in and made a mild threat about how I do not want to see light under her door in the middle of the night anymore.

She went back to sleep and I proceeded to lay in bed and think all of the things.

I guess I am not going to sleep any more tonight, or should I say this morning.

So here I am.

I threw a load of hand towels and napkins into the washing machine, sent an email I've been meaning to write for a while, and turned on the lights on the Christmas tree.

Since the middle of the night/early morning is the perfect time for insomnia-induced self-reflection, here goes.

I haven't been doing well with my goals this month.

My goal was to write five posts per week, and I have written about one per week.

My goal was to do a work out video two days per week and a walking video three days per week.

I have not done a work out all month and it has been weeks since I have done a walking video at all.

Normally, I would just cut myself some slack. It's December. Christmas is nearly here. It's a busy time.

But.

I haven't been feeling great. I've been feeling kind of slumpy and irritable still.

I wonder if it's because I have not gotten enough (any) real exercise.

I wonder if it is because I haven't taken the time to write and process my feelings as much as I need to.

Perhaps I need to start eating meals that include more nutritious items than ramen noodles.

I need to take better care of myself. I do!

There have been a few times that I have wanted to write, but I've not had the time to create or edit graphics, so I have refrained.

Pictures are nice, but writing is good for me, and I need to do it even when it looks raw and messy and without an accompanying photo.

I'm going to write more.

I need to exercise more. I think it would do me good to get outside and walk, even if it is a little cold. It's been tricky to do this because I don't like walking in the dark and it is dark by the time Tim gets home from work.

Too bad.

I need to move anyway.

I am going to exercise more.

I need to find some warm, filling, nutritious meals that I can look forward to this winter. Easy things, that I will actually make and eat.

I am going to look up some recipes. If you have any, please share them in the comments.

When I was a kid, I could not sleep at all on Christmas Eve. I was up most of the night, my stomach a ball of excited nerves. I couldn't wait to get downstairs and open presents.

When I heard Lexi stirring a few hours ago, I was afraid that she was having the same problem I used to have. Excitement induced, holiday-specific insomnia. It would only be fair.

I once woke my parents up at 2AM on Christmas morning because I was too excited to sleep.

Sorry Mom and Dad.

Lexi's night waking and toe injury seem like no big thing compared to what I used to put my parents through.

Plus, it gave me the opportunity to reflect and get some laundry done.

I am going to try to take better care of myself.

Perhaps I will start by going back to bed.

The mini fridge shall set you free

I have a story that I need to get off my chest. 

About a year ago, Tim's company invited him to a leadership conference in Chicago.  Staying home alone with the kids for several days sounded like a bummer, so I decided it would be fun to join him in Chicago. And instead of spending hundreds of dollars on airfare, I decided that driving the 7 + hours with the kids was the way to get there. Naturally. 

I really planned well for this trip. I mean that sincerely. I mapped out where we were going to stop along the way. I convinced my aunt and uncle to let us crash with them for a couple of nights to save money and add fun. I packed a cooler to the gills with all the fixings for sandwiches and healthy snacks that anyone could possibly want. I purchased head phones and personal sized CD players for the kids and checked out a stack of audiobooks and CDs from the library for them. I took the van in and spent several hundred dollars getting it fixed up and ready. I bought new tires for the dang thing. I purchased a membership to a local museum in order to receive free reciprocal entry to Chicago's museums. I was that good. 

The road trip went very well. The kids were excellent in the car and the driving went by quickly on the way there. We stopped at my aunt and uncle's house and had a joyous reunion complete with delicious food and great conversation.

It was wonderful to be with my cousins again.

I felt pumped and confident to drive the final leg of the journey to the hotel that Tim's company booked. We planned to visit the Field Museum the following day. I was patting myself on the back for being such a thoughtful planner.

That's when things started to derail.

See, I had some expectations for this hotel.

I expected there would be a mini fridge in which I could store the contents of my cooler.

I expected there would be free WiFi that I could use to further plan transportation around the city. 

I expected that there would be a continental breakfast or at least room service.

I expected that everything would go according to plan because I had planned really well, after all. 

Needless to say, things did not go according to plan.

All things considered, it did have a nice view.

We arrived and discovered that there was no mini fridge in the room. Our lunch meat, coffee creamer, string cheese and other snacks needed to be refrigerated. I started to panic a little. I quickly scavenged through the variety of brochures laying about until I saw that you could pay $30 to have a small mini fridge brought up to your room. Pay for a mini fridge?! This was a NICE hotel! We'd stayed in a crappy hotel in Omaha a month earlier and it had a mini fridge in the room. I was furious. I didn't want to do it.

So, I did what any idiot would do. Nothing. I let all the food sit out and become sketchy because I was angry and disappointed that things weren't going my way. Real mature, huh?

I tried to hop on the WiFi to look at public transportation plans for the next morning but alas, there was a fee for using WiFi. What the?! Again, the cheapo hotel in Omaha had free WiFi. Heck, McDonald's had free WiFi. (This fact didn't dawn on me until much, much later and would have possibly helped the situation greatly). I wasn't going to pay for WiFi. I attempted to access the public transportation website using Sprint's spotty service on my phone. It didn't go well.

I managed to speak to someone in the front office and arranged to have a shuttle pick us up and take us to the subway station the next morning at 10. 

I found a menu among the brochures and decided to splurge and order a nice breakfast for us as I quickly discovered that this hotel also lacked a continental breakfast. I was irritated about this but the food sounded great so I circled the items that I wanted and checked the box indicating that I wanted to arrive between 8 and 9am. I attached the menu to the doorknob and went to bed, frustrated but determined.

When our food had not arrived at 9:15 the next morning, I began to grow anxious. The menu had disappeared from the doorknob so I knew they had my order. Around 9:30, I decided to call downstairs and see what was taking so long. 

Nothing was taking so long, as they had not received my order and were not preparing any food or planning to deliver anything to us. The menu had apparently been lost or had never arrived. I still wonder what happened to it. 

I began to cry. Everything was out of my control. The spoiled food. The lack of internet access. The missing breakfast. The kids were complaining that they were hungry. The shuttle was leaving soon and I had no idea what we were going to eat.  If we missed the shuttle, how would we get to the city? Would the whole trip be a bust? Maybe I just wasn't cut out for a single parent road trip.

I became completely overwhelmed by the loss of control. I convinced myself that I was failing. Rather than using my head to think smart (McDonald's drive thru, anyone? Maybe eat some of the bread that hadn't been lost to spoilage?) I sank into panic and despair that affected me for the rest of our stay at the hotel. 

I ended up crying at the front door of the hotel restaurant. We were able to run in and grab some pastries and I begged the hostess to let us just take them and go without paying, to which she obliged, probably because I looked a little psychotic. Even after that lucky turn of events, I had a hard time pulling it together. 

In the end, the hotel was the worst part of the trip. No, my attitude toward it was. We had a wonderful time in the city, visiting the Field Museum as well as Shedd Aquarium.

Who doesn't love dinosaurs?

Jellyfish are my fave.

 After paying a ridiculous amount for a cab to the museum, I got brave and even drove us into the city the next day, where we could park in a garage and came out ahead in terms of money spent. But my nasty, wimpy attitude seriously marred the trip. I was grumpy with the kids and took out my frustration on them several times. I withdrew and sort of shut down instead of throwing myself into the moments that we drove so far to have. 

Looking back, I know where I went wrong. I was inflexible. I was unwilling to make last minute changes. I let fear of failure paralyze me. 

I should have forked over the $30 for the stupid mini fridge. In the grand scheme of things, that would have solved a lot of issues. Then we would have had something decent to eat the next morning when breakfast didn't arrive. I would have had something to feed the kids for dinner instead of taking them out to an expensive restaurant where they ate nothing. In that way I would have been modeling some much better behaviors for my girls. Instead they learned that mommy melts down when things don't go her way. Exactly the opposite of how I expect them to behave.

I could have called room service earlier to see what was up with breakfast. We may have been able to order something that morning and eat it before we went on our way. 

I don't remember how much the WiFi cost, but I'm sure I could have paid for it. Or, I could have asked the helpful people at the front desk for advice in navigating the city. 

Sometimes, flexibility is simply a positive personality trait. Other times, it is an absolute necessity. It isn't always easy to roll with the punches or admit that things aren't going to go your way and cut your losses. But if you are going to be happy in life, it is essential to be flexible and to not give up when life throws you curve balls. You're better than that.

After all, the mini fridge has the power to set you free. But first, you have to let it. 

How would you rank your flexibility on a scale of one to five, one being you pulled a Melissa, five being you bought the mini fridge, no questions asked?

This post is part of the 30 Day Challenge.