April Showers

It has been a long time since I have updated. I actually did a pretty darn good job on my March goals, but it seems a little late in the game to be patting myself on the back for that, so I'm moving on ;)

I'm going to be real with you. I had some really hard weeks in March and early April. Out of nowhere my anxiety ramped up so badly that I ended up in the ER one night with a really prolonged panic attack. It was pretty scary! So the reason I didn't create goals for April is that I had just one goal, and that was to figure out a way to feel better.

The good news is that I think I am well on my way to achieving that goal. After chatting with my therapist (if you've never paid someone to listen to you, you've got to try it. seriously.) we decided it was time for me to see a new doctor. She gave me a recommendation and (by what I can only imagine was the grace of God) I was able to get in within the week. If you've never made an appointment with a specialist before, that's basically unheard of.

Anyway, I saw the new doctor and I immediately felt like I was in the right place. She asked a lot of questions and listened intently to my responses. I felt comfortable with her and that I could trust her judgment, which is, sadly, not something I can say about all the doctors I've seen. Together we decided on a course of action. I'm trying a new medication.

Honestly, I had a bit of an epiphany. I've been looking and looking for causes for the ups and downs I've been feeling over the past four years. At different points along the way I've blamed hormones, iron levels, diet, vitamins, motherhood in general. I found out I have a strong family history of depression and anxiety, so I blamed that too. But rather than continuing to focus on why why why is this happening to me and what is causing this, I've decided to set that aside for now and just focus on feeling better. It appears that my brain has some sort of chemical imbalance going on right now. So I'm going to take some medication to help with that. That sounds simple, but for me it was a big step. I may never have all the answers, and that's OK.

I'm starting to feel better. The panic attacks have gone away. I'm not waking up with a racing heart. Yesterday I noticed that I felt great, and I don't remember the last time I felt so...normal? So I guess that's just a sign of how crazy things had gotten.

Anywho, because I can't resist a corny joke, I'm hoping these April "showers" will bring some May "flowers". I'm not giving up. Whatever you're going through, I hope you don't give up either.

Pumping Iron

Ever since my 4-year-old was born, I have not felt entirely like myself.

I've experienced exhaustion, anxiety, and irritability in varying degrees unlike I'd ever felt before she was born. I haven't felt that great and it has been frustrating. I've been to a variety of doctors in search of answers and have tried different medications without finding anything that got me back to feeling like myself in the long term.

I think I might finally be on to something.

Over the summer, I had my blood checked and discovered that my iron was freakishly low, so I've been on supplements since then. At a recheck in November, my ferritin level had climbed from 4 to 22, so I'm making progress, but I still have a ways to go. According to my doctor (and quite a bit of research I've read) a woman's ferritin should be a minimum of 30, with 50-100 being better.

The other day, my husband Tim sent me this article called The Missing Element in Female Fitness - The Iron Deficiency Epidemic, and I wanted to share it with you all because I found it to be really informative and pertinent to women's health.

The write explains that there are subtle levels of having low iron, and that even a slight deficiency can cause the symptoms I was experiencing. I'd been feeling exhausted and irritable (outside of what is normal for a mom of two) for quite some time and had had so much trouble pinpointing exactly what was causing it.

The writer goes on the explain the difference between adequate and optimal iron levels and that many general practitioners differ as to what level of iron they consider to be fine for women. I've been to a multitude of doctors in the past few years, and this was the first time my iron level was mentioned. I'm wondering how long I've had low iron for and if it is the main cause of the issues I've been dealing with off and on since Lydia was born over four years ago. Time will tell, I suppose. I hope I continue to feel better as the iron stores in my body climb to where they need to be.

By sharing what I have gone through, I hope you're moved to do a few things.

First, I think having a physical and blood work done on a regular basis is important. Especially if you aren't feeling like yourself. Our insurance completely covered a physical for Tim and I both this year. My doctor asked questions pertaining to nearly every area of my body and in turn, helped me solve a few other minor issues I've been experiencing but never would have thought to ask about.

Second, I think it is crucial that we busy moms take the time to take care of ourselves. Approach your health issues the way you'd approach your kids' health issues- do your research, speak with your doctor about your concerns, and take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Give yourself time to relax now and then. Go easy on yourself when you are feeling under the weather. You can't take care of your family if you don't take care of yourself. Set a good example for your kids.

Third, don't give up on feeling good. If you, like me, have had issues you've been struggling to overcome for a while, I understand how frustrating that can be. Sometimes it just feels like it'd be easiest to accept feeling crummy and give up on finding a cause. Please don't give up on yourself. Keep searching until you find a doctor who is willing to stick with you until you find answers. 

So, my iron is (hopefully) still on its way up and I am feeling much better than I have in a long time. The quest for wellness is hard, but worth it. I want to encourage you to seek out a state of feeling good. If you don't feel good, life can be a real struggle. And sometimes, it doesn't take much to feel better. Get a physical, have some blood work done, and see if there is anything out of whack. Consider it a Christmas present to yourself.

Life is too short to accept feeling crummy.

Ironing out some Issues

I'm about to drop some truth and share some previous blog entries that have gone unpublished for a long while. I hope that by doing so, I will help someone else.

Here it is.

The past four years have been somewhat of a roller coaster for me. I have struggled with mood and energy issues. I have had periods of just not feeling like myself. First, it looked like anger, which I wrote about here and here. Then, it looked like anxiety, which I talked about here. It started to look like depression, which I thought I wrote about at one point, but perhaps not. The word irritability started popping up. Exhaustion came into play. I saw several different doctors. My OB-GYN, a counselor, a psychiatrist. I tried anti-depressants, vitamin supplements and hormone replacement therapy. When issues with energy level started plaguing me this summer, I finally made an appointment with a general practitioner to have a physical. I wanted to get to the bottom of the struggle and see what the heck was going on inside my body.

I hadn't seen a primary care physician since I was a teen (hence going to specialists instead) because I'd had a bad experience with a doctor when I was young and never found another one. But this new doctor came highly recommended by my family, so I decided to give him a try. I was impressed. The doctor listened carefully to all of my issues and history and then took 6 vials of blood to see what it would reveal.

A week later, I got a call and was told my iron was low and I needed to start taking iron supplements. So I did. I still felt like crap a few weeks later, so I called for a follow up appointment, wondering if I could have a yeast overgrowth, something I'd been Googling for a friend that seemed like it could fit my symptoms.  I complained to my doctor about my irritability and exhaustion and he told me right away that he knew what my problem was. He turned his computer screen to face me and pointed to where it said my iron level was 4. It was supposed to be 100. Oh. He explained that my red blood cells were struggling to get the oxygen they needed and I felt tired because my body was literally exhausted. Even rest wouldn't help because my body wasn't actually able to rest when it was supposed to. He told me it would take about 3 months for my iron stores to be built back up. I scheduled a follow up appointment for November and went home to wait. 

It's late September now. I'm feeling good some days and not so good others. There are days when I can get up and go, be on my feet and busy with the kids all day. There are days when I sleep for 10 hours and still wake up feeling tired. There are days when I look forward to to spending time socializing with friends and family. There are days when I want to be completely left alone to read or watch TV. 

It's hard. Some days I feel great and think that my iron must finally be where it needs to be. Other days, I lay in bed tired from doing nothing and wanting to be left alone. There are times when I am certain I must have some other underlying issue, and times when I think the iron is my only problem. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever consistently feel good again or if I am doomed to spend my life hunting down problems that no one can find answers to. 

It's a struggle. It's frustrating. But I've come to a new realization.

While I am waiting to find answers and to feel better, I need to keep living. And in order to do that happily, I need to give myself grace. I need to live in each day and accept that some days, I'm not going to feel well. Some days, I might sleep in. I might watch too much TV, or decide to stay home instead of going out with friends because that's what sounds and feels good to me. And that is okay. Exhaustion and irritability tend to come in waves, just as I suspect my iron levels go up and down since, y'know, I'm a woman, and our bodies do...y'know, womanly things every month. So if I need to take it easy, that is okay. Grace, grace, grace. I am only human.

It is hard to admit that.  I want to feel good all the time and have tons of energy and have the desire to get out and socialize and work out and stay active and take my kids to do awesome things. I wish I felt "on" all the time. But I simply don't, and perhaps I never will. That's something I'll have to learn to live with. I can start now by taking each day at a time and by allowing my activity level to reflect how I am feeling.

Some days the girls and I will go on big field trips, we'll go on hikes in the woods and we'll play outside. Other days, we'll stay in and paint at the kitchen table or read in the recliner. Maybe we'll all veg out and spend too much time in front of a screen. That's okay too. That's life. There will be ups and downs.

I'm doing the best job at living that I know how to do. And I'm not going to feel bad about it any more.