Thoughts about 30

I've been 30 for a week now, and that's a little weird for me. I think it will sink in with time. You know how it feels the first time after a birthday, when someone (usually a stranger or professional of some sort) asks how old you are and you tell them your new age, but feel kind of like you're lying? Yeah, that's kind of where I am right now. I think some people refer to this as "denial".

I've been in a very reflective mood lately. I've felt the need to examine and evaluate the different areas of my life. The past ten years of my life were busy and tumultuous. I know the next ten will probably be the same story with different details. At this point of transition between my 20s and 30s, I decided to take the time to reflect upon some revelations I've had and how I see them affecting my journey forward.


1. I appreciate coffee and wine now. I entered my 20s with an upturned nose toward both. Coffee? Ew. Wine? Why? My appreciation for coffee began when Lydia was a baby and my dear friend delivered Starbucks to my doorstep one day. Coffee is a magical substance that decreases my hatred for mornings (and humans) and I can't imagine life without it now. If coffee and I are married, wine and I are casually dating, sometimes seeing other people. We're still feeling each other out, trying to see where the relationship is going. So far I've learned that one glass of wine results in the loss of filters as well as lots of giggling. After a particularly long day, it can be a great way to unwind. 

2. I am me. At age 20, I was working at Lakeview Village, going to class at JCCC and hanging out with my new boyfriend Tim. Now I've got two degrees, a part time job, two kids, and eight years of marriage to said boyfriend under my belt. Basically, I've spent the past ten years developing. As a student, wife, parent, friend, woman, and American. My experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today. I know what's important to me and I'm figuring out that I don't need to apologize for it.  I'm learning that it's fine if I think differently than the people I care about and that rather than trying to stuff down parts of who I am that may seem off-color, I should embrace them and even celebrate them.

I'm a nerd. 

3. I have finite energy.  I can only truly care about so many things.  I'm learning to prioritize what these things are. For instance, I don't have the desire to care about organic food, and I probably never will. I'd rather spend that time caring about women's rights, watching hilarious YouTube videos, or reading a book. And there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has different priorities. What matters to me is different than what matters to the next person and maybe we don't need to spend a lot of time trying to convince others to join our team. I can't do all the things and do them well. So I have to pick which things matter most and go from there. 

4. I need to think outside the four walls of my home.  The past decade has been a pretty self focused one for me.  My priorities were education and raising my family.  That's fine, but now the kids are older and more independent, and I have completed my formal education and am living a somewhat stable life. It's time for me to spend more time becoming informed about what's going on in our country and our world, and what I can do to make a positive impact. I'm starting by simply turning up the volume of the outside world and I hope that will lead me in a direction that allows me to get busy doing something valuable. 

5. I need to laugh more.  If you've known me for any length of time, you'll probably agree that I am a pretty silly and lighthearted person.  Parenting and navigating anxiety sobered me up for a while. Which is fine and even normal to an extent, because being completely responsible for tiny humans is exhausting and anxiety sucks. But I've come to the realization that I allowed these circumstances to wind me up a little too much. I became more worried and serious than is really necessary. I need to undo that. I want to make time to figure out what I find funny and intentionally experience it so I can lighten up in my 30s. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that laughter is good for you, so I'm going with that. I'm on a quest to relax and laugh more, and I invite you to join me. Kate McKinnon and John Oliver, I'm counting on you guys. 

6. I have a team.  I have resigned myself to the fact that it's unrealistic to do life alone and do a very good job at it. I have called in the reinforcements. For the first time since middle school, I have a primary care doctor. And unlike the doctor I had in middle school, I actually like him and trust him with the bumps and bruises that pop up now and then.  I also found several specialists as well that I like and trust.  I now know who to call when I'm not feeling like myself, which is an important step in staying healthy. In addition to professionals, I have a team of friends and family who not only support me through difficult times but also make daily life much more enjoyable.

7. I'm not done yet. Yes, I've finished school and raised my children out of the baby stage and into the kid stage, and that was important, but there are still other important things for me to do. I love teaching and I love writing and I am excited to see where these passions take me. I feel that I've crossed a finish line or two in some regards and am preparing for another race altogether. I'm certain that I have a lot left to do with my time on earth.  

GOODBYE!

Apologizing for being me

Unnecessary worry

Analysis paralysis

Self absorption

Raising babies

Caring too much about what others think

Avoiding medical professionals

People who make me feel crummy

Excessive guilt and shame

Skirting around conversations that need to take place

Clothes I don't like
Living in my comfort zone
20s

HELLO!

Embracing who I am
Laughing regularly

Caring about issues outside my bubble

Raising kids
Standing up for what I believe in

Taking better care of myself

People who make me feel good

Forgiveness

Being frank when necessary

T-shirts that make me smile

Taking risks
30s


I think it's going to be a good decade. 

Transitions

Transitions kinda suck.  I don't have any living room furniture. The only chairs to sit in are at the kitchen table.  My butt misses the recliner. There's no good place to read to the girls.  Blaaaaaah.

I am ready to be moved into my new house, with furniture and space. I am so excited to start a new journey. The waiting in between this house and the new house is hard. Transitions are hard.

It's been a while since I've lived in a season of transitions. In the 8 years we've been married, we've had a lot of them. Transitioning from a couple to parents. Transitioning from being students to being "adults". Transitioning from being renters in Lawrence to homeowners in Overland Park. Tim transitioning from one job to the next. Me transitioning from a full time student with a toddler at home to a full time, stay at home mom of two. 

There were several periods in the past 8 years where I had no idea what my day to day life would look like in 6 months or a year. I didn't know where we would live. Then I didn't know where I would student teach, or whether I would teach in my own classroom. Tim didn't know where he would work. It was a season of upheaval. There was a lot of wondering and uncertainty and worry about what was to come. And while there have been some hard patches, there have been a lot of very good times. Overall, I feel very blessed. 

So, I feel very certain that things will be OK. I do believe it will all work out, like it has in the past. I believe that there are good things in store for me and for my family. The waiting is hard. It's hard to have a lot of my belongings packed up. I went to watch Ghostbusters (my favorite movie, the one I've historically watched for comfort) the other night only to discover that I have no idea where it is. I made do. I'm sure it's somewhere.

I've spent too much time worrying about small, trivial things. What will our new neighbors be like? What if there are kids who are bad influences on ours? What if a table won't actually fit in our kitchen? Where am I going to put two litter boxes? Will we have enough money? Will I buy an Overland Park or a Lenexa pool pass next summer?  What if our buyers back out on closing day? What if we end up homeless? Blah, I can't wait to worry about more important things. 

Despite all these (pretty ridiculous) questions without answers, I do feel peace. This time of transition is hard, but it is fleeting. It won't last forever. Before long, we'll be in a new home figuring out what our new normal looks like. I know there will be bumps along the way. But I think it will all be OK.  

I'll have shelves to put books on, my comfy bed to sleep in, and a recliner of some kind to sit on. I'll make sure of it! A couch for reading books to the children. My kids will be able to ride their bikes. We'll have space to invite people over. Lexi will have a real bed instead of just a mattress on the floor.  I will spent some time helping Lydia purge even more stuff and organize what's left so she doesn't cry every time I ask her to clean her toys up. We'll get our new homeschool room unpacked and ready and we will get into a routine again. We will get there. We can survive this weird time, and we will. We've done it before. We've done way worse before, if I'm being honest. We'll be just fine. 

Only 38 days to go! I'm ready.