The 30 Day Challenge

Obviously I'm getting my money's worth from this planner...

Long ago, I heard about NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The idea is that you gather together with other writers, experienced and new alike, to write an entire novel over the course of the month of November. I was intrigued by the concept. A whole book in one month? Wow. That takes discipline. I thought it sounded fun, like something I might want to try.

There was just one problem. I have ZERO ideas for a novel right now. Not a shred of a story line or even a couple of character traits I could smash together and give a name to. Nothing.  Without an idea to write, could I even make something up that would be worth anyone's time to read? I wasn't sure what to think.

While I was mulling that over, I read a short e-book about becoming a writer. The book had a cute story about an aspiring writer and a homework assignment at the end of each chapter. One of the assignments was to find and join a community of writers. I didn't realize this at first, but there are communities of bloggers out there who read each other's work, provide feedback and generally support one another along the journey. At first, I couldn't really see the point of something, but because I don't spend enough time on Facebook as it is, I joined several Facebook blogger groups. It only took a few days for me to realize that one in particular, Bloggers United, was full of active, encouraging aspiring writers.

From here I learned about the 30 Day Challenge. The idea is that you write in your blog EVERY DAY for 30 consecutive days. Apparently doing this helps you not only strengthen your discipline, but it can help you focus as a writer and figure out what topics are the best fit for you as well as what your followers enjoy reading the most.

To be honest, this seemed a little bit easier than creating a cast of characters and an engaging book plot. I can think of several different topics I'd like to blog about already. Today, I decided to ask the Bloggers United community if anyone would like to take the challenge with me, since accountability seems important. Thirty people have already responded and would like to join me! My sister has also agreed to try and write every day in November. I am happy that I will have support on the journey!

So rather than writing a mediocre novel in November, I will be blogging every day! I am excited by the challenge. I hope you enjoy taking the journey with me.  If you have any topics you think would be fun to write about, please share at any time!

A mostly white calendar means plenty of time for writing!

Doubts

Have you ever been covered in an avalanche of doubts?

One minute, you're plugging along at work or home or even your hobby, doing your thing, happily going about your business, then all the sudden, these feelings start creeping in that make you second guess your every move.

Are you...sure that's a good idea?

Geez, that seems risky. 

What will people think of you when they see that? 

Are you sure you know what you're doing? 

Hey, that conversation you just had? That last thing you said? Well you thought it was fine, but I'm not so sure...

Where does that little voice come from? How is it that you can be fine, confident in yourself, and then suddenly, debilitated by a tiny voice in your head? One little doubt leads to another, then another and suddenly, you are straight up buried in an avalanche of negative thoughts.

Buried.

I was struck by doubt today.

I was on Pinterest, reading some articles about writing, checking out some tips for bloggers. Trying to decide what I wanted to write about next. Just casually browsing and thinking. Then all the sudden, there it was.

It started small: Man, no one really read your last blog post. 

Well that's because I posted it right before the Royals game! I'll re-share it later, I worked hard on it and I'd like to know what people think.

But did you realize, you've had fewer views on each subsequent post? Maybe you're just boring. 

No, I'm pretty sure I just need to keep writing! I took a break for a bit, so that's why. Had some bad timing. Nothing to worry about.

Are you sure about that? Are you sure you're not wasting your time with this writing thing? Maybe you should give it a rest.

I'm doing okay. I think. Man, I don't know...

It takes just one little doubt, one instance of second-guessing, and before you know it, the floodgates are opened and the doubts are rolling in.

It didn't take long for me to go from feeling confident and excited about my writing to feeling that maybe I was just wasting my time and needed to quit. And that's just crazy. Of course I'm going to have ups and downs, highs and lows. I'm on a journey here! Not everything is going to go perfectly. But I'll never know what I'm capable of if I give up before I even really get started.

So today I'm telling you: When the doubts start creeping in, don't listen. I'm not sure exactly where that little voice in your head comes from. Maybe it's from you, maybe it's from someone in your life who has criticized you in the past, maybe it's based on a past experience and actually has some truth to it.

Whatever it is, shut it down before it poisons you. Don't second guess yourself. Don't let fear paralyze you.

Break free.

Doing great things requires risk. And yeah, you'll fail sometimes. Not everything you do is going to be amazing and perfect in every way. But if you give up, if you let fear paralyze you, you'll never know what could have been.

Get up, shake off those doubts, and go on your way.

You are made to do great things.

Don't let some punk voice in your head tell you otherwise.

Break free!

Kickball

Today, I played kickball for the first time in years. I even got paid to do it. Surprisingly, this experience opened my eyes to some subtleties of human development that I was unaware of.

I substitute taught for the PE teacher of a Homeschool Enrichment Center. If you're new to the concept, it's a  small, low-key school that homeschooled children attend one day per week to enjoy things like art, music, PE and other subjects that are either tricky or just more fun to do in a group, while their parents get a break to run errands or binge-watch shows on Netflix.

In case you have been living under a rock, kickball is baseball except instead of hitting a small ball with a bat, you kick a large bouncing ball that someone rolls to you. I haven't played in years. I was never a big fan as a kid because I am extremely uncoordinated.

Today, I discovered that third and fourth graders are the best age for kickball. They all played, enthusiastically, and they could pitch their own balls, kick well, and run to all the bases. To be fair, I personally feel that third and fourth graders are some of the finest examples of humans. I love age 10. It's the age I would choose to teach if I had my own classroom. Ten-year-olds have mastered enough skills like reading and tying their shoes to be independent and have developed a sense of humor that make them fun to talk to, but are not quite the sassy know-it-alls that teens tend to be. It's a sweet spot. Wooo, fourth grade!

Fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth graders were the next best age for this game. They could play well, for the most part. Almost everyone participated. They actually had some ability. I told them we were going to play kickball and they set up the cones to mark the bases, kept track of the outs and the hits, and ran the game without any help from me. There were a few girls that didn't do anything in the outfield because it was boring, but when it was their turn to kick, they did so skillfully. One kid though. He refused to play altogether and sat in the shade complaining the entire time. He actually asked if I knew his mom's number because he was really tired of being there. This group was small and based on previous experiences with this age group, I feel that had there been more kids, I'd probably have encountered a few more that refused to play. It's frustrating.

The first and second graders...were okay. Some of them got it. Kick the ball and run. Some of them did not get it. Some of them did not kick the ball. Some of them kicked the ball and did not run. Some of them sat in the grass and played with leaves while the ball went sailing past them. Some of them sat out on the sides because they were tired or felt like it. They could not pitch, so I pitched it to all of them. I did a pretty consistent job, but some of them could not kick the ball, even when it was stopped. For the most part though, these kids tried, and I appreciated that.

Kindergartners though. They are lacking in the kickball department. Majorly.

Actually, I hate to say it, but I have to make this distinction. Kindergarten girls are terrible at kickball. I thought maybe it was just a kindergarten thing in general, but after watching both genders play...well...

There was a marked difference between the girls and the boys at this age, as much as I hate to admit it. I did not see that difference in ability between genders in the other age groups. The boys tended to be the ones keeping track of the score, but ability-wise, they were pretty evenly matched.

Except in kindergarten. The girls were up to "bat" first and their lack of skills was quickly apparent. The kindergarten girls could not kick the ball while it was moving. Even those that did manage kick it, did not kick it hard enough or far enough for any of the other children to retrieve. The boys in the outfield chased the ball down and attempted to tag the girls out with it. I don't think any girl made it past second base.

Then the boys were up to "bat". And they could all kick the ball. Far enough that it sailed over the heads of the girls sitting in the outfield paying absolutely no attention to the game. Some of the girls congregated around second base and talked while the game went on without them.

It was frustrating. And surprising.

I'm no athlete. I don't really care about sports in general. I was definitely the kid who let all the others cut me in line so I didn't have to kick the ball because I was afraid I'd mess up. I would find the least likely place for the ball to go in the outfield and stand there so that no one would depend on me for anything. So I was surprised with how frustrated I got with this experience. Part of the problem was developmental, I'm sure. And that's fine. But It did truly feel like some of the kids weren't listening, or even trying.

Kick the ball. Try again. Kick it. KICK IT. Good kick! Now run. RUN! RUN TO THE BASE! THE BASE! THAT CONE! Never mind. You're out.

I'd not had the experience of seeing the skills of different age groups in succession like this before. It was interesting to see how skills develop over time. I guess in a couple of years, those sweet, incapable kindergartners will be kicking and running like little pros. They'll pay attention, develop some coordination, and kick with purpose. Then they'll be agreeable ten-year-olds with some skills. And all too soon, they will become middle-schoolers. Maybe they will become the kind of middle-schoolers that jump in and do their best. Hopefully.

But some of them will probably be sitting in the shade. Refusing to play.

Asking to call their moms.

But then...

Maybe some little kindergartners don't receive the gift of coordination as they get bigger. Maybe they become agreeable ten-year-olds, but they never get the hang of kicking the ball and running the bases the way the other kids do. Perhaps not all middle-schoolers know how to play second base, or any position in the outfield beyond just standing there, picking at the grass.

Perhaps that's why there was a middle-schooler sitting in the shade, complaining the entire time. Refusing to play kickball.

 And maybe, just maybe, that's why he was asking to call his mom.

Vignettes

I've been writing, but I have not been sharing. 

Let me explain.

For a while, I've been trying to discern what direction my writing should take. I feel that there should be a purpose behind my writing, rather than just writing to hear the sound of my voice or simply because I can.  I think good writing has purpose. 

My sister Kati shared the idea of writing short stories about my experiences. For some reason, I had never really thought of it like that before. I prefer writing nonfiction, as I mentioned in my previous post, but other than that, I haven't been sure how to do that. When Kati described it in those words, "short stories about your own experience", it clicked for some reason.

It made me realize that that's what I enjoy reading. I love reading memoirs and biographies and collections of stories about the lives of interesting people. Even average people who look at ordinary things in an interesting way. Especially those that incite laughter. I started Googling again, trying to pinpoint what exactly this kind of writing is called.

Personal essays. 

This felt exciting to me.

I recalled an assignment in my high school composition class. We were supposed to write a "vignette", basically a brief account of something from our lives. The idea was to focus on an experience with a strong emotion.

I wrote about an evening in the dining room of the retirement home I worked at in high school. The teacher liked my story but felt that the emotion behind the story was unclear. She was right.

I have decided to start practicing this kind of writing again. Brief stories and episodes from my life. I've made a list of things I could possibly write about. I've written about two so far.

I don't think they are ready for your eyes yet. One of them is kind of boring, to be honest. I started writing it while we were out of town last week, and I forced myself to finish it simply because I have problems finishing stuff.

The other one...has potential. I think it could be good. But it brings up strong emotions. It could potentially ruffle some feathers.

When it is ready, I will try to be brave and share it. 

I'm excited by this idea. It feels like the kind of writing I'm meant to do.

Now, to spend some time walking down memory lane. 

I've got a dream

Before you read this post, you have to watch this video.

Watched it?

I'll take your word for it.

My dream is to be a writer.

It's a dream that I've had before. As a child I wrote lots of stories. As an adolescent, I wrote lots of poems and long, whiny journal entries. (I might share those sometime, just for fun.) In high school, I didn't think that Newspaper would be for me (I didn't think I was that kind of writer) but when I joined my senior year, I really enjoyed myself and wished that I had joined earlier.

As a kid, I always thought I'd grow up to be an author. By the end of high school, I'd decided I would be an English teacher. I learned that I loved editing so I thought that would be a good opportunity to wield a red pen on a regular basis.

When I shadowed in a high school English classroom as part of an assignment for an Intro to Teaching class, I realized that being an English teacher also means being a Literature teacher. While I'd always loved reading, I did not love the classics nor Shakespeare. I determined that I needed to change course. Luckily I figured that out right before I submitted my application to the School of Education at KU. I decided to go with Elementary Education because I did love teaching and kids, and I'd get to teach a variety of subjects.

My life kind of changed course for a while there (I became a wife and mom in a short amount of time) and my dream to be a writer faded.

I dreamed of getting my degree.

When that happened, I dreamed of owning my own home.

When that happened, I dreamed of successfully finishing student teaching while mothering a 2 year old.

When that happened, I dreamed of having another baby.

When that happened...well, since that has happened, I've pretty much just dreamed of being a decent mom and wife. Keeping everyone alive, not yelling too much. Not eating too much sugar. (Haha. Just kidding.)

Now that baby is four years old and I have a little bit of time for dreaming my own dreams again.

The desire to be a writer is there again. I'm not sure what kind of a writer I want to be.

My dad is convinced I need to write a book. Let me tell you about my last experience writing fiction. It was for a class at KU. We had to write three anonymous short stories. Here are the grades I received: A. B. C. In that order. Somehow I still received an A in the class.

I don't tend to gravitate toward fiction. I read some fiction. I enjoy reading fast-paced stories about almost anything, as long as it is something that keeps me turning pages. I actually read a lot of nonfiction. Right now I am dabbling in six different books. I just picked up two more from the library today. Of those eight books, only two are fiction. Is that weird?

If I were to write a nonfiction book, what on earth would I write about? I know my life's not interesting enough for TV (as I explained here) but is it interesting enough for a book? I'm not sure. I'm not really an expert on anything in particular either.

I'm just not sure a book is the answer. Sorry, Dad.

If not a book, then...what?

Is writing in this blog the answer to my dream of being a writer? If not that, then...what?

Maybe it's time for more Googling.

Fellow writers, I would love to hear about how you are flexing your muscles as a writer.

The best I can do

An update on my attempt to consume less sugar.

I received several responses and recommendations based on my previous post. One told me I am not alone in my struggle. Another told me that I'm putting my healthy and risk and that I really need to stop eating so much sugar.  A third had a book recommendation for me. I appreciate all feedback, constructive and encouraging alike. 

Yes, I've struggled.  I've eaten junk trying in an attempt to quash the sugar craving.  I had pizza and McDonald's. I ate the brownie in a moment of defeat and weakness.

But I've had success too.

I said no to cinnamon rolls at church.

I said no to cider donuts, ice cream and other fair ground goodies at the Cider Mill.

I repeatedly said no to the package of Starburst Jellybeans innocently winking at me whenever I open the cabinet.  (Did you know they sold them year round? I bought them as a bribe for the kids, I swear!)

I thought it would be wise to see how many grams of sugar health experts recommend I consume each day. I did some googling.

No more than 25 grams are recommended per day for women. 

This led me to start looking at packages. 

What I found was scary!

I realized that I get more than half that amount in my coffee creamer alone. And that's just one cup. Usually I have two. Yikes.  

There are 12g of sugar in the packet of oatmeal I've been having for breakfast each day.  Sixteen grams in a container of yogurt.  7g in sprinkling of granola.  15g in vegetable soup.  Vegetable soup!!

I wonder if these "hidden" sources of sugar are playing into my problem.  I thought by cutting back on desserts and sweets I was doing well, but I may need to completely reevaluate my diet. I don't love cooking so I've come to lean heavily on easy to prepare foods. I cook dinner almost every night, but lunch and breakfast are easy grab meals around here, at least for me. 

To tell the truth, I'm not sure if I can be someone who counts things out for the rest of my life. 

In fact, I know that that's not who I want to be. I've done that before. I've counted calories. And while it is effective in weight loss, it is agonizing. 

I have two little girls watching my every move. Do I really want them to see me counting calories? 

I need to really think about how to proceed with this. 

Perhaps rather than counting calories or grams of sugar, I just need to add in more fresh fruits and veggies. Instead of a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, I can cook eggs. I can have my favorite knock-off Olive Garden salad for lunch. I can add less creamer to my coffee, or just drink less coffee in general. I think I can stick with the idea of eating fewer desserts. 

I can take more walks. 

I was feeling a bit discouraged about this whole thing, then I got a notification from my Fitbit. I hit my step goal five days in a row, which is the longest streak I've had in months! 

Wellness is a journey. I don't believe it will look the same for everyone. We are all different. Some of us have kids that run us ragged leaving us exhausted and ready to crawl into bed at 9pm.  Some of us don't. 

Some of us have the money for a gym membership or a personal trainer. Some of us do not. 

Some of us love to look at eat exotic recipes, while others of us are pickier, or more tired, or less willing to make separate meals for children who turn up their nose at anything with sauce. 

I'm going to eat fewer desserts.

I'm going to take more walks.

I'm going to cook more during the day.

But I am not going to feel guilty about eating the last brownie, or getting fast food on a crazy night, or eating sugary vegetable soup for lunch. Maybe sugar is bad for my body, but guilt is bad for my heart. 

I'm doing the best that I can to live well in all arenas of my life. Physical health. Mental wellness. Spirituality. Body and heart and soul.

I'm doing the best I can. 

And that's all anyone can ever do. 

Stop staring at me, brownie

Last weekend, I decided to cut back on my sugar intake. I wrote my situation in detail here at my previous blog. But the quick version is this: I'm addicted to sugar. The more I eat, the more I crave. The more I crave, the more I eat and the more unhealthy pounds I pack on. Not a good situation. I decided to cut back on sugar by only having one dessert item per week.

And here is the beautiful, perfect choice I made on Tuesday.

Gorgeous, isn't she?

In my quest to cut back on delicious sugar, I decided to allow myself some small cheats. Flavored coffee creamer had to stay. As I said before, I can't drink coffee without creamer and I can't survive interacting with humans sans coffee. In addition, I've been consuming Greek yogurt with granola as a snack or part of a meal. I didn't realize there are nearly 15g of sugar per serving of yogurt and almost as many per serving of granola. Sheesh. But since this combo does contain protein, fiber, and some other nutrients, I've decided to let it slide, for now.

Back to the brownie.

On Tuesday, I decided to take dinner to my friends who have recently had a baby. I decided to include brownies along with the lasagna and sides, so I made a 9x13 pan and split it between our households. I dropped off their dinner, and headed out to a Mom's Night Out with a couple of my friends.

I've noticed that I am filling that sad and empty sugar hole with lots of other foods. Like delicious carbs. Who knew the pita chips and hummus eat had nine servings per container? I consumed them in 2.5 days. When we went out to dinner, I quickly shoveled my face with delicious Thai food. Chicken stir fry with cashews, to be exact. I'm still thinking about it.

Nine servings? Whoops.

After I inhaled my delicious dinner, I ordered an appetizer. Yep. My friends were still eating and my hands got restless, so I decided on more food. I sucked down four sub-par crab rangoon and then popped in some chewing gum and downed three tall glasses of water. Have I mentioned that I have trouble sitting and doing nothing?

Anywho, I got home around 9pm and decided it was time for my one dessert of the week. I pried open the container of brownies and cut myself a rather large slice. I even went back for more. It was heaven. Honestly, I did a kick ass job baking those boxed-mix brownies. Triple chocolate. Gooey in the center. Perfection.

The problem is, it's Wednesday night at 9:42pm and I don't get another dessert for a week.

The bigger problem is, there's one brownie left.

It's been whispering my name all day. I've been tempted to just smell it, but I don't think that would do the trick. I told Tim to eat the entire row that remained, yet he left this one large serving behind to taunt me.

I almost fed it to the kids when they returned home from Awana tonight, but they'd already brushed their teeth. I'm hoping Tim takes it to work tomorrow because I don't think I can stand to be around it all day.

I definitely have a sugar addiction.

Saying no to myself is really hard.

I've been sitting in the discomfort of the cravings all day long.

It sucks.

They come and go. I've tried feeding them with other foods. I ate the leftover lasagna at 11:30am. It was good but the cravings lived on. This afternoon I ate 3 slices of Muenster cheese and half a row of Ritz veggie crackers. It did nothing for me.

Cravings suck.

Go away, stupid brownie.

I've been eyeing these, but I'm pretty sure they break the rules.

Beginnings

I've loved writing since I learned how. Truly, I do. But I struggle with finishing anything.

When I was in first grade, my parents abandoned me and my brother with my grandparents and went to San Francisco for four days. The souvenir they brought back for me was a diary. This diary, to be exact. They got it in China town.

See those rings on the side? My dad attached them so I could lock my diary. 

At the time, I didn't know how to write well enough to do so on my own. I dictated my journal entries to my parents and they patiently copied them down for me. By the time I reached second grade, my fine motor skills were decent enough that I could write my own journal entries. I've been doing it ever since.

I have stacks of journals and notebooks that chronicle my childhood years, teen drama, college years, faith journey and parenthood. I've kept a journal for my cousin, my children, and with my husband. Journaling is the only kind of writing I can do decently.

As a kid, I had tons of ideas for stories. I probably have at least 40 excellent first pages and a slew of creative characters. Unfortunately none of them are connected. I can never finish anything. I'm not good at developing the story past a mere idea. I don't know how to make characters that are dynamic. Getting started is no problem. But finishing? Not so much.

That's why journaling is a good fit for me. I write until I'm done and that's all there is to it. There are no page requirements. I don't have to finish the story. I can write about whatever I want.

About two years ago, I started a blog. I wrote a lot about God and my faith journey because that was the most important thing to me. Then I started writing about other things going on in my life. Then I started writing about homeschooling.

I realized that writing is good for me. I want to keep a blog as a creative outlet and a place to mull things over and vent my feelings. But I can't fit myself into the box of just writing about homeschooling or just writing about my faith. I have to be free to write about whatever it is that I need to write about. Writing helps me process things and sharing my writing brings clarity and the insight of others into the equation.

So that's what I am going to do.

Some days, I might write about what I'm doing with my kids. Other days, it might be about cake or my iron levels or TV shows or books or stupid stupid allergies. Hopefully my writing will be interesting to you. Maybe even beneficial in some way. I'd love it if I could make you laugh or think about something in a different light.

Honestly, I'm just trying to make my way in this world and doing the best I can as I go along. Writing about the journey should be fun. I guess we will see where I end up.