I've got a dream

Before you read this post, you have to watch this video.

Watched it?

I'll take your word for it.

My dream is to be a writer.

It's a dream that I've had before. As a child I wrote lots of stories. As an adolescent, I wrote lots of poems and long, whiny journal entries. (I might share those sometime, just for fun.) In high school, I didn't think that Newspaper would be for me (I didn't think I was that kind of writer) but when I joined my senior year, I really enjoyed myself and wished that I had joined earlier.

As a kid, I always thought I'd grow up to be an author. By the end of high school, I'd decided I would be an English teacher. I learned that I loved editing so I thought that would be a good opportunity to wield a red pen on a regular basis.

When I shadowed in a high school English classroom as part of an assignment for an Intro to Teaching class, I realized that being an English teacher also means being a Literature teacher. While I'd always loved reading, I did not love the classics nor Shakespeare. I determined that I needed to change course. Luckily I figured that out right before I submitted my application to the School of Education at KU. I decided to go with Elementary Education because I did love teaching and kids, and I'd get to teach a variety of subjects.

My life kind of changed course for a while there (I became a wife and mom in a short amount of time) and my dream to be a writer faded.

I dreamed of getting my degree.

When that happened, I dreamed of owning my own home.

When that happened, I dreamed of successfully finishing student teaching while mothering a 2 year old.

When that happened, I dreamed of having another baby.

When that happened...well, since that has happened, I've pretty much just dreamed of being a decent mom and wife. Keeping everyone alive, not yelling too much. Not eating too much sugar. (Haha. Just kidding.)

Now that baby is four years old and I have a little bit of time for dreaming my own dreams again.

The desire to be a writer is there again. I'm not sure what kind of a writer I want to be.

My dad is convinced I need to write a book. Let me tell you about my last experience writing fiction. It was for a class at KU. We had to write three anonymous short stories. Here are the grades I received: A. B. C. In that order. Somehow I still received an A in the class.

I don't tend to gravitate toward fiction. I read some fiction. I enjoy reading fast-paced stories about almost anything, as long as it is something that keeps me turning pages. I actually read a lot of nonfiction. Right now I am dabbling in six different books. I just picked up two more from the library today. Of those eight books, only two are fiction. Is that weird?

If I were to write a nonfiction book, what on earth would I write about? I know my life's not interesting enough for TV (as I explained here) but is it interesting enough for a book? I'm not sure. I'm not really an expert on anything in particular either.

I'm just not sure a book is the answer. Sorry, Dad.

If not a book, then...what?

Is writing in this blog the answer to my dream of being a writer? If not that, then...what?

Maybe it's time for more Googling.

Fellow writers, I would love to hear about how you are flexing your muscles as a writer.

The best I can do

An update on my attempt to consume less sugar.

I received several responses and recommendations based on my previous post. One told me I am not alone in my struggle. Another told me that I'm putting my healthy and risk and that I really need to stop eating so much sugar.  A third had a book recommendation for me. I appreciate all feedback, constructive and encouraging alike. 

Yes, I've struggled.  I've eaten junk trying in an attempt to quash the sugar craving.  I had pizza and McDonald's. I ate the brownie in a moment of defeat and weakness.

But I've had success too.

I said no to cinnamon rolls at church.

I said no to cider donuts, ice cream and other fair ground goodies at the Cider Mill.

I repeatedly said no to the package of Starburst Jellybeans innocently winking at me whenever I open the cabinet.  (Did you know they sold them year round? I bought them as a bribe for the kids, I swear!)

I thought it would be wise to see how many grams of sugar health experts recommend I consume each day. I did some googling.

No more than 25 grams are recommended per day for women. 

This led me to start looking at packages. 

What I found was scary!

I realized that I get more than half that amount in my coffee creamer alone. And that's just one cup. Usually I have two. Yikes.  

There are 12g of sugar in the packet of oatmeal I've been having for breakfast each day.  Sixteen grams in a container of yogurt.  7g in sprinkling of granola.  15g in vegetable soup.  Vegetable soup!!

I wonder if these "hidden" sources of sugar are playing into my problem.  I thought by cutting back on desserts and sweets I was doing well, but I may need to completely reevaluate my diet. I don't love cooking so I've come to lean heavily on easy to prepare foods. I cook dinner almost every night, but lunch and breakfast are easy grab meals around here, at least for me. 

To tell the truth, I'm not sure if I can be someone who counts things out for the rest of my life. 

In fact, I know that that's not who I want to be. I've done that before. I've counted calories. And while it is effective in weight loss, it is agonizing. 

I have two little girls watching my every move. Do I really want them to see me counting calories? 

I need to really think about how to proceed with this. 

Perhaps rather than counting calories or grams of sugar, I just need to add in more fresh fruits and veggies. Instead of a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, I can cook eggs. I can have my favorite knock-off Olive Garden salad for lunch. I can add less creamer to my coffee, or just drink less coffee in general. I think I can stick with the idea of eating fewer desserts. 

I can take more walks. 

I was feeling a bit discouraged about this whole thing, then I got a notification from my Fitbit. I hit my step goal five days in a row, which is the longest streak I've had in months! 

Wellness is a journey. I don't believe it will look the same for everyone. We are all different. Some of us have kids that run us ragged leaving us exhausted and ready to crawl into bed at 9pm.  Some of us don't. 

Some of us have the money for a gym membership or a personal trainer. Some of us do not. 

Some of us love to look at eat exotic recipes, while others of us are pickier, or more tired, or less willing to make separate meals for children who turn up their nose at anything with sauce. 

I'm going to eat fewer desserts.

I'm going to take more walks.

I'm going to cook more during the day.

But I am not going to feel guilty about eating the last brownie, or getting fast food on a crazy night, or eating sugary vegetable soup for lunch. Maybe sugar is bad for my body, but guilt is bad for my heart. 

I'm doing the best that I can to live well in all arenas of my life. Physical health. Mental wellness. Spirituality. Body and heart and soul.

I'm doing the best I can. 

And that's all anyone can ever do. 

Stop staring at me, brownie

Last weekend, I decided to cut back on my sugar intake. I wrote my situation in detail here at my previous blog. But the quick version is this: I'm addicted to sugar. The more I eat, the more I crave. The more I crave, the more I eat and the more unhealthy pounds I pack on. Not a good situation. I decided to cut back on sugar by only having one dessert item per week.

And here is the beautiful, perfect choice I made on Tuesday.

Gorgeous, isn't she?

In my quest to cut back on delicious sugar, I decided to allow myself some small cheats. Flavored coffee creamer had to stay. As I said before, I can't drink coffee without creamer and I can't survive interacting with humans sans coffee. In addition, I've been consuming Greek yogurt with granola as a snack or part of a meal. I didn't realize there are nearly 15g of sugar per serving of yogurt and almost as many per serving of granola. Sheesh. But since this combo does contain protein, fiber, and some other nutrients, I've decided to let it slide, for now.

Back to the brownie.

On Tuesday, I decided to take dinner to my friends who have recently had a baby. I decided to include brownies along with the lasagna and sides, so I made a 9x13 pan and split it between our households. I dropped off their dinner, and headed out to a Mom's Night Out with a couple of my friends.

I've noticed that I am filling that sad and empty sugar hole with lots of other foods. Like delicious carbs. Who knew the pita chips and hummus eat had nine servings per container? I consumed them in 2.5 days. When we went out to dinner, I quickly shoveled my face with delicious Thai food. Chicken stir fry with cashews, to be exact. I'm still thinking about it.

Nine servings? Whoops.

After I inhaled my delicious dinner, I ordered an appetizer. Yep. My friends were still eating and my hands got restless, so I decided on more food. I sucked down four sub-par crab rangoon and then popped in some chewing gum and downed three tall glasses of water. Have I mentioned that I have trouble sitting and doing nothing?

Anywho, I got home around 9pm and decided it was time for my one dessert of the week. I pried open the container of brownies and cut myself a rather large slice. I even went back for more. It was heaven. Honestly, I did a kick ass job baking those boxed-mix brownies. Triple chocolate. Gooey in the center. Perfection.

The problem is, it's Wednesday night at 9:42pm and I don't get another dessert for a week.

The bigger problem is, there's one brownie left.

It's been whispering my name all day. I've been tempted to just smell it, but I don't think that would do the trick. I told Tim to eat the entire row that remained, yet he left this one large serving behind to taunt me.

I almost fed it to the kids when they returned home from Awana tonight, but they'd already brushed their teeth. I'm hoping Tim takes it to work tomorrow because I don't think I can stand to be around it all day.

I definitely have a sugar addiction.

Saying no to myself is really hard.

I've been sitting in the discomfort of the cravings all day long.

It sucks.

They come and go. I've tried feeding them with other foods. I ate the leftover lasagna at 11:30am. It was good but the cravings lived on. This afternoon I ate 3 slices of Muenster cheese and half a row of Ritz veggie crackers. It did nothing for me.

Cravings suck.

Go away, stupid brownie.

I've been eyeing these, but I'm pretty sure they break the rules.

Beginnings

I've loved writing since I learned how. Truly, I do. But I struggle with finishing anything.

When I was in first grade, my parents abandoned me and my brother with my grandparents and went to San Francisco for four days. The souvenir they brought back for me was a diary. This diary, to be exact. They got it in China town.

See those rings on the side? My dad attached them so I could lock my diary. 

At the time, I didn't know how to write well enough to do so on my own. I dictated my journal entries to my parents and they patiently copied them down for me. By the time I reached second grade, my fine motor skills were decent enough that I could write my own journal entries. I've been doing it ever since.

I have stacks of journals and notebooks that chronicle my childhood years, teen drama, college years, faith journey and parenthood. I've kept a journal for my cousin, my children, and with my husband. Journaling is the only kind of writing I can do decently.

As a kid, I had tons of ideas for stories. I probably have at least 40 excellent first pages and a slew of creative characters. Unfortunately none of them are connected. I can never finish anything. I'm not good at developing the story past a mere idea. I don't know how to make characters that are dynamic. Getting started is no problem. But finishing? Not so much.

That's why journaling is a good fit for me. I write until I'm done and that's all there is to it. There are no page requirements. I don't have to finish the story. I can write about whatever I want.

About two years ago, I started a blog. I wrote a lot about God and my faith journey because that was the most important thing to me. Then I started writing about other things going on in my life. Then I started writing about homeschooling.

I realized that writing is good for me. I want to keep a blog as a creative outlet and a place to mull things over and vent my feelings. But I can't fit myself into the box of just writing about homeschooling or just writing about my faith. I have to be free to write about whatever it is that I need to write about. Writing helps me process things and sharing my writing brings clarity and the insight of others into the equation.

So that's what I am going to do.

Some days, I might write about what I'm doing with my kids. Other days, it might be about cake or my iron levels or TV shows or books or stupid stupid allergies. Hopefully my writing will be interesting to you. Maybe even beneficial in some way. I'd love it if I could make you laugh or think about something in a different light.

Honestly, I'm just trying to make my way in this world and doing the best I can as I go along. Writing about the journey should be fun. I guess we will see where I end up.