April Showers

It has been a long time since I have updated. I actually did a pretty darn good job on my March goals, but it seems a little late in the game to be patting myself on the back for that, so I'm moving on ;)

I'm going to be real with you. I had some really hard weeks in March and early April. Out of nowhere my anxiety ramped up so badly that I ended up in the ER one night with a really prolonged panic attack. It was pretty scary! So the reason I didn't create goals for April is that I had just one goal, and that was to figure out a way to feel better.

The good news is that I think I am well on my way to achieving that goal. After chatting with my therapist (if you've never paid someone to listen to you, you've got to try it. seriously.) we decided it was time for me to see a new doctor. She gave me a recommendation and (by what I can only imagine was the grace of God) I was able to get in within the week. If you've never made an appointment with a specialist before, that's basically unheard of.

Anyway, I saw the new doctor and I immediately felt like I was in the right place. She asked a lot of questions and listened intently to my responses. I felt comfortable with her and that I could trust her judgment, which is, sadly, not something I can say about all the doctors I've seen. Together we decided on a course of action. I'm trying a new medication.

Honestly, I had a bit of an epiphany. I've been looking and looking for causes for the ups and downs I've been feeling over the past four years. At different points along the way I've blamed hormones, iron levels, diet, vitamins, motherhood in general. I found out I have a strong family history of depression and anxiety, so I blamed that too. But rather than continuing to focus on why why why is this happening to me and what is causing this, I've decided to set that aside for now and just focus on feeling better. It appears that my brain has some sort of chemical imbalance going on right now. So I'm going to take some medication to help with that. That sounds simple, but for me it was a big step. I may never have all the answers, and that's OK.

I'm starting to feel better. The panic attacks have gone away. I'm not waking up with a racing heart. Yesterday I noticed that I felt great, and I don't remember the last time I felt so...normal? So I guess that's just a sign of how crazy things had gotten.

Anywho, because I can't resist a corny joke, I'm hoping these April "showers" will bring some May "flowers". I'm not giving up. Whatever you're going through, I hope you don't give up either.