Here it is.
The past four years have been somewhat of a roller coaster for me. I have struggled with mood and energy issues. I have had periods of just not feeling like myself. First, it looked like anger, which I wrote about here and here. Then, it looked like anxiety, which I talked about here. It started to look like depression, which I thought I wrote about at one point, but perhaps not. The word irritability started popping up. Exhaustion came into play. I saw several different doctors. My OB-GYN, a counselor, a psychiatrist. I tried anti-depressants, vitamin supplements and hormone replacement therapy. When issues with energy level started plaguing me this summer, I finally made an appointment with a general practitioner to have a physical. I wanted to get to the bottom of the struggle and see what the heck was going on inside my body.
I hadn't seen a primary care physician since I was a teen (hence going to specialists instead) because I'd had a bad experience with a doctor when I was young and never found another one. But this new doctor came highly recommended by my family, so I decided to give him a try. I was impressed. The doctor listened carefully to all of my issues and history and then took 6 vials of blood to see what it would reveal.
A week later, I got a call and was told my iron was low and I needed to start taking iron supplements. So I did. I still felt like crap a few weeks later, so I called for a follow up appointment, wondering if I could have a yeast overgrowth, something I'd been Googling for a friend that seemed like it could fit my symptoms. I complained to my doctor about my irritability and exhaustion and he told me right away that he knew what my problem was. He turned his computer screen to face me and pointed to where it said my iron level was 4. It was supposed to be 100. Oh. He explained that my red blood cells were struggling to get the oxygen they needed and I felt tired because my body was literally exhausted. Even rest wouldn't help because my body wasn't actually able to rest when it was supposed to. He told me it would take about 3 months for my iron stores to be built back up. I scheduled a follow up appointment for November and went home to wait.
A week later, I got a call and was told my iron was low and I needed to start taking iron supplements. So I did. I still felt like crap a few weeks later, so I called for a follow up appointment, wondering if I could have a yeast overgrowth, something I'd been Googling for a friend that seemed like it could fit my symptoms. I complained to my doctor about my irritability and exhaustion and he told me right away that he knew what my problem was. He turned his computer screen to face me and pointed to where it said my iron level was 4. It was supposed to be 100. Oh. He explained that my red blood cells were struggling to get the oxygen they needed and I felt tired because my body was literally exhausted. Even rest wouldn't help because my body wasn't actually able to rest when it was supposed to. He told me it would take about 3 months for my iron stores to be built back up. I scheduled a follow up appointment for November and went home to wait.
It's late September now. I'm feeling good some days and not so good others. There are days when I can get up and go, be on my feet and busy with the kids all day. There are days when I sleep for 10 hours and still wake up feeling tired. There are days when I look forward to to spending time socializing with friends and family. There are days when I want to be completely left alone to read or watch TV.
It's hard. Some days I feel great and think that my iron must finally be where it needs to be. Other days, I lay in bed tired from doing nothing and wanting to be left alone. There are times when I am certain I must have some other underlying issue, and times when I think the iron is my only problem. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever consistently feel good again or if I am doomed to spend my life hunting down problems that no one can find answers to.
It's a struggle. It's frustrating. But I've come to a new realization.
While I am waiting to find answers and to feel better, I need to keep living. And in order to do that happily, I need to give myself grace. I need to live in each day and accept that some days, I'm not going to feel well. Some days, I might sleep in. I might watch too much TV, or decide to stay home instead of going out with friends because that's what sounds and feels good to me. And that is okay. Exhaustion and irritability tend to come in waves, just as I suspect my iron levels go up and down since, y'know, I'm a woman, and our bodies do...y'know, womanly things every month. So if I need to take it easy, that is okay. Grace, grace, grace. I am only human.
It is hard to admit that. I want to feel good all the time and have tons of energy and have the desire to get out and socialize and work out and stay active and take my kids to do awesome things. I wish I felt "on" all the time. But I simply don't, and perhaps I never will. That's something I'll have to learn to live with. I can start now by taking each day at a time and by allowing my activity level to reflect how I am feeling.
Some days the girls and I will go on big field trips, we'll go on hikes in the woods and we'll play outside. Other days, we'll stay in and paint at the kitchen table or read in the recliner. Maybe we'll all veg out and spend too much time in front of a screen. That's okay too. That's life. There will be ups and downs.
I'm doing the best job at living that I know how to do. And I'm not going to feel bad about it any more.
While I am waiting to find answers and to feel better, I need to keep living. And in order to do that happily, I need to give myself grace. I need to live in each day and accept that some days, I'm not going to feel well. Some days, I might sleep in. I might watch too much TV, or decide to stay home instead of going out with friends because that's what sounds and feels good to me. And that is okay. Exhaustion and irritability tend to come in waves, just as I suspect my iron levels go up and down since, y'know, I'm a woman, and our bodies do...y'know, womanly things every month. So if I need to take it easy, that is okay. Grace, grace, grace. I am only human.
It is hard to admit that. I want to feel good all the time and have tons of energy and have the desire to get out and socialize and work out and stay active and take my kids to do awesome things. I wish I felt "on" all the time. But I simply don't, and perhaps I never will. That's something I'll have to learn to live with. I can start now by taking each day at a time and by allowing my activity level to reflect how I am feeling.
Some days the girls and I will go on big field trips, we'll go on hikes in the woods and we'll play outside. Other days, we'll stay in and paint at the kitchen table or read in the recliner. Maybe we'll all veg out and spend too much time in front of a screen. That's okay too. That's life. There will be ups and downs.
I'm doing the best job at living that I know how to do. And I'm not going to feel bad about it any more.
