The Cost of Quiet

I like to read.

I like to write.

I like to watch grown-up shows on TV. 

I like quiet in which to do these things.

I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of two chattery children. Quiet is a luxury.

Quiet is highly coveted and highly prized in my home. After a long day of feeding children, answering complex questions, cleaning up cat poop, teaching lessons and breaking up fights, I am tired. I like alone time during which I get to be an adult acting on my own interests rather than those of someone else. I think this is entirely normal. As parents, we all need the opportunity to do our own thing outside of our children. Although I would not change it, I must admit that I have not chosen a pathway that has made "doing my own thing" very easy.

Some of you are in my shoes. You're with your kids all day long. You hear a constant hum of questions and blaming and whining and crying and overly loud voices.  You might even have a baby, and while babies themselves can make finding a chunk of quiet difficult, when coupled with older children, they make it nearly impossible. Some of you have more children than I do, and I have a feeling that with each extra child, the chances of obtaining quiet diminish exponentially. 

Some of you are stay-at-home-parents with school age kids whom you drop off in the morning, pick up in the afternoon, then wrangle with until you cart them off to bed.  You might have a glorious span of 6-8 hours of quiet during the day.  I am happy for you, and sometimes (ok, most days) I envy your quiet. I keep telling myself that if I had all that time during the day, I'd work out all the time, keep the house spotless, and learn some cool new skills. But we all know the truth is that I'd read all day long, in my pajamas, whilst eating poptarts, and only change to go pick up the kids. If you have kids that are gone all day while you are home, please enjoy your quiet on my behalf. Please use it wisely. Please do all of the things.

Some of you go to work, then come home and deal with children until you put them to bed and then crash into bed yourselves. You might get a little more adult interaction and brief opportunities for quiet during the day than I do, but you have to use your brain for meaningful tasks and you are probably much more exhausted than I am. You understand the struggle. You are living it. 

It is possible to create quiet in your day. 

But quiet is not free.

Quiet comes at a cost.

When I took Economics in school, I learned about "opportunity cost" which is basically the idea that nothing at all is free, because even if something doesn't cost you money, it costs you time, or costs you the opportunity to do or have something else. 

You can actually pay directly for quiet in the form of giving your money to a babysitter and then heading for the hills. Sometimes, that's the best and easiest way to obtain quiet. It can be totally worth it to spend cold, hard, cash on quiet.

Other times, you're strapped for cash or there is no one to watch your children, or you just want to be in your own home, in the quiet, and you're desperate and have to try something else. 

Quiet can still be attainable, but this kind of quiet comes with a hefty opportunity cost. In my 7 years of parenting, I've discovered that there are three ways in which I can achieve my delicious quiet. But all three come at a cost. 

Quiet = Gigantic Messes

There are some toys that my kids will play with for hours. Play-doh. Legos. Spielgaben. These toys happen to be, for lack of better words, a real bitch to clean up.  Tiny pieces are spread all over the carpet and under the furniture. Dried up play-doh is caked to a variety of surfaces. Paint is another one on this list. My kids could paint for days but they are going to cover every inch of themselves and the kitchen with it in the process. The way this usually works is that I get out said messy toy, set the kids up in the kitchen or living room, then bolt back to my room to pretend like nothing is happening outside of whatever it is I am enjoying during my quiet. When I emerge later, I almost always gasp at just how awful the scene is. Sometimes, it is worth it. Sometimes, it's not even close. 

Quiet = Zombie Children

In our house, we have rules about screen time. The kids aren't allowed to use screens until 4pm. This is for a reason. Once I turn on the TV, my kids will be quiet until they get hungry. They sit, nearly silently (unless they are fighting over what to watch) like little zombies, their bodies still and their eyes transfixed on the screen. Turn on the TV and provide them with sustenance and I can probably get three straight hours of quiet. The TV can make a really great babysitter, if I let it. If I pass the kids on my way to the kitchen to refill my coffee, I can see their little faces blank and staring and I feel guilty. I feel as though my selfishness is turning my children into puddles of goo. It's unfortunate. Maybe instead of quiet = zombie children, this should say quiet = guilt. Hmm. While I do allow the TV to babysit now and then, I feel too much guilt to let it happen very often. 

Quiet = Sleep Deprivation

This one is tricky. It starts out harmless enough. Yay, the kids are in bed! Time to do all the things! I unload the dishwasher while listening to an audiobook. I put on a workout DVD. I read my book. I take a shower. By then, two or three hours have passed and I should probably get myself to bed. But I don't. Because I am way behind on my shows. And my book is SO good.  And I have a funny idea to write about. So instead of going to bed, I keep reading and watching Netflix and blogging and before I know it, I'm doing the math and my kids are going to be up in less than 5 hours. Crap. I'm going to feel this in the morning. The next day will be long, and I'll be cranky with my kids because of my poor choices. But the quiet is just so enticing. I'm a night owl, and I find myself making this choice a lot. And therefore I am exhausted most of the time. 

I was given the gift of quiet, but it came with a huge side of tired. 

In short, there's a reason why my house is a mess, screens sometimes babysit my kids, and I am frequently tired and cranky. I just need some quiet in my days to keep me sane.

What is the cost of quiet in your household?

Why do I buy my kids toys?

This mess afforded me several hours of peace and quiet.

Why do I continue to buy toys for my kids? Seriously though.

A box from Amazon arrived on the porch the other day. It actually contained a couple of birthday gifts for my eldest. It was a nice sized box. I envisioned myself using it to carry food to a family with a new baby, or to pack full of gifts to take to my family's house on Christmas. So I tossed it down the stairs and into the basement to save for later.

Then my 4-year-old discovered it and kidnapped it into her room. 

From there, she pulled the sides down and made it into a boat. She got out colored pencils and drew all over it. She filled it up with all the junk she keeps hoarded in her room. She spent hours playing with the box. She even invited me to play in her boat with her. 

I had to recycle the box. She'd smashed it all up and it took up 1/3 of the floor space in her room. I had cleaning to do. So I tossed it out.

Today, another couple of packages arrived. One of them had a great quantity of brown packing paper. Again, my child took off with it. She ran through the halls with it. The cats enjoyed the crinkling sound it made when they sat on it. I was going to save it because I might return something that came in the box, but Tim recycled it when he got home from work. 

We went to my parents' house for dinner and my girls, along with my niece, spent most of their time running around and playing with flashlights. They had a blast.

Which brings me back to my point. Why, why, why, do I keep buying toys?

Honestly, I don't even buy that many. My kid is getting one toy, some books, a chair and a game for her birthday. But somehow, they accumulate. Are they reproducing of their own accord now? They litter the house. Tiny pieces are spread all over. I do my best to get rid of toys and games that are broken or neglected. I've seen my friends' houses. I think we have less than most. Yet, I am overwhelmed.

My little one is the worst about it. She doesn't so much play as she spreads all her belongings all over the floor. Rather than playing with her dolls and dollhouse, she took each piece of furniture apart to, and I quote, "See what else I could make from it!" For. Real?!?

I request that you not buy my children anything for their birthday or Christmas. They'd be just as happy with a box, or a pencil. A flashlight, a book, or a long piece of paper. A hug.

I'm boycotting toys. Who's with me?

This post is part of the 30 Day Challenge.

Homeschooling is for Crazy People - Reason #1

I'm a crazy homeschooling mom and I don't care who knows it. This is the start of a series in which I'm going to share the secret life of homeschooling with you. I can't promise it'll be predictably regular, but as I uncover more reasons why homeschooling is crazy, I'll be sure to share them with you.  

First and foremost, I love what we do.  There are days that make me want to ship the kids off on the next bus outa here, but in general, I'm happy with my choice.  But there are certain things about homeschooling that require, well, someone...special. A crazy person.  Today, I took my kids to my doctor appointment and the first reason that homeschoolers are a little crazy came to me right away.

Reason #1 that Homeschooling is for crazy people:
We're ALWAYS together. 

Why this is crazy:

Doctor appointments.  With children in tow, doctor appointments can become awkward.  I love my general practitioner.  He goes above and beyond to talk with my kids and has told me that they are more important than him and if they need something during my appointment, he should be the one to wait.  Wow, do I love him!  That being said, certain appointments (rhymes with synetologist)  can be awkward.  I try to get someone to watch them for those but they've joined me more than once, and came away without being scarred for life.  

Chilling in the waiting room, which became 10x louder upon our arrival.

Constant chatter.  I enjoy chatting with my kids and my little one has an adorable cartoon character voice, but sometimes, I just want to hear the sound of my own thoughts.  I typically cannot make it through a good song on the radio without input from the backseat.

Extra "help".  Some tasks, such as shopping for feminine products, making a phone call to an insurance and/or cable company, or running a series of errands, are just easier without the help of children. I can run into the store and grab a few things in just a few minutes, but when the kids are with me, I have to get them out of their car seats, remind them not to touch everything they see, and keep them corralled while I try to remember why I'm at the store in the first place.

Lack of alone time. You know that thing you'd choose to do if you had absolutely nothing else on your list? Like binge watching Netflix or reading more than two paragraphs of a book in one sitting?  Yeah, kids can sense when you're jonesing for some me time and derail it instantly.  Sometimes when they are playing nicely, I'll slip away to my room to read, but they quickly notice my absence and invite me to join them in watching mind-numbing children's shows or taking every book we own off the book shelf.

Permanent audience.  Certain activities, like trying on underwear (or last year's swim suit, yikes!) do not need to be witnessed by anyone.  How bout when you step on a pile of Legos and obscenities flow from your lips? Or when you've discovered cat poop in the basement again and straight up scream at your pet? It can be hard to have these most private moments witnessed by young people.  

Why this is awesome:

We function well together. "My kids would hate being with me that much!" someone once confided to me.  Well, when you're around each other this much, you learn how to deal.  You don't have a choice. The circumstances require that you learn how to live together, semi-peacefully. We've learned how to get along and not kill each other.  We've learned to accept each other's quirks and support one another's weird endeavors. Do we sometimes drive each other crazy? Of course. But over the course of (most) days, we're enjoying each other far more than annoying each other. Which brings me to...

Sisterly bonding. My girls are great friends. They are two years and eight months apart in age, but they play very well together. They bicker, like all siblings, but they have heard me say, "People are more important than things" enough times and they know that they have to work things out. They don't realize that they are in separate grades and would be segregated if they went to a traditional school. At homeschool gatherings, they play with one another's friends. Age is not something that divides them. All this time together has made them buddies.

They sure love each other.

Increased patience.  People often say, "Oh, I don't have the patience to be with my kids all day!" and I laugh inside.  Do you think I did when I first started? Absolutely not.  It has been a learning experience. My patience has increased tenfold out of necessity.  I pick my battles.  I can't let every little thing they do get to me, or else I'll be annoyed all day.  I've gained a lot of perspective from being around my kids day in and day out.  Some hills, annoying as they may be, are not worth dying on.  They are little people that are learning about this world and they deserve grace, just as I do when I have a temper tantrum and yell at the cats.

Real world learning. They come along with me wherever we need to go, which leads to a lot of learning. When they asked why I needed to go to the doctor, I explained that I haven't been feeling well because my iron was low. This led to a discussion of all the different things our bodies need to function, which spiraled into a discussion of different vitamins our bodies need and what we can eat to get them. A trip to the post office leads to an explanation of how the mail comes to arrive in our box every day. A drive through the ATM and I'm explaining to the kids that the machine does NOT just spit out money, but actually withdraws it from my account. The opportunities for learning are endless when you're out in the real world.

Perk of being together: Good behavior gets noticed!

So while there are some frustrating aspects to having my kids go everywhere I go, I wouldn't change it.  I've learned to save my grocery shopping for weekends (shopping alone takes half the time of shopping with kids) and I regularly attend Mom's Night Out events. Some days I call in the reinforcements (aka Grandparents) and feel blessed to have the time to myself, even if it is so I can go to the dentist. 

One thing is certain: I'm a crazy homeschooler, and I love it. 

This post is part of the 30 Day Challenge.

Reflections on 8 Consecutive Days of Writing

This is the 8th consecutive day that I have written in my blog. I have never attempted to write in my blog for this many days in a row, on the contrary, I used to avoid blogging on consecutive days. I thought that doing so would be irritating to my readers. I've learned that that's not the case.

The more I write, the more people read my writing. I have over 1,000 hits this month. Considering my previous blog was live for over two years and only reached 4,000 hits...well, I think I'm doing something better this time around! This week I have also tried to put myself in the reader's shoes. If I were following a blog that I enjoyed, I would not be irritated if they started writing more often, instead, I'd be happy to have more to read. I've stopped worrying about writing too much. In the grand scheme of things, my one blog post per day is just a drop in the bucket of what people are reading online.

I've enjoyed the opportunity to explore different writing topics. I've discovered that ideas come to me at the most random times, especially when I am trying to fall asleep. I've started keeping my phone on so I can quickly save drafts of whatever ideas I come up with. Some of them are going nowhere, but others have potential. It's exciting to be able to use my brain creatively!

I am still trying to find my voice. As a part of that journey, I am trying to find out more about my audience. I'd love for you to take the poll in the right hand column of this page.

As a stay-at-home-mom (I think "momming" is my full time job) I tend to write about topics that I think appeal most to women, mothers especially. I don't know if I have tons of brand new ideas about parenting, but I do have my unique perspective. That being said, I don't particularly want to write about parenting all the time. Just like I don't believe that moms want to read about parenting all the time. So I am thinking I might be blogging for moms who enjoy distractions from the daily grind of wiping butts, breaking up fights over cartoon shows, and listening to the incessant, sometimes irrelevant chatter of children.

This makes me wonder if I should rebrand my blog. I don't particularly want to since I just started this new blog. While we might not all be writers, I think most busy moms can relate to the concept of "Too long, didn't ________" as a play on not having time to do all the things one wants to do. So that's something to think about. I've got time. There are still plenty of days left in November!

It's been a good week. I'm having fun writing and editing and experimenting with blogging. I've got birthday parties for my kiddo this week so I'm sure that will provide some fodder for my writing. I'm also cooking up another article to submit to Scary Mommy, and I'm excited about this one.

We'll have to see where time takes me!

This post was brought to you by a squirrel eating a pumpkin.

 

This post is part of the 30 Day Challenge.  

5 Times Being a Parent Pays Off

I enjoy being a parent. There are hard times, don't get me wrong. There are times when I want to clock out, or fire myself. Most days are decent though. I like being home with my kids and I don't want that to change. But there are some instances when being a parent RULES and totally makes up for all the worry/exhaustion/annoyance/lack of sleep!

1. Halloween
Ever heard of the candy tax? That's when your kid collect a bucket of candy and you eat it while they sleep. As we were heading out to trick-or-treat, I told my youngest that I would be taking 30-50% of her candy because I'm her mom and I've earned it. Now don't think that I eat ALL of her candy, because that would be mean. I don't do that. I make sure to leave plenty of her favorites and eat mostly chocolate. And Swedish Fish. And Mike and Ike's. I love Halloween.

Come to me, sweet rewards!

2. Holidays in general, actuallyHolidays rock when you're a kid. Presents, food, cool decorations, fun traditions. They are a good time. Then you become a teen and you're in an awkward place where you want to participate but it might not be entirely socially acceptable. Then you become an adult without kids and some holidays become kind of a bummer. But having a kid makes holidays magical. The look on their faces on Christmas morning. Getting to be the one to hide eggs in really tricky places. Eating candy. That never gets old. Holidays with kids are awesome because their excitement totally rubs off. Don't forget to ask them what they are getting you for Christmas.

3. When you manage to teach your kid something cool. Kids are sponges, as the saying goes. Sometimes though, they manage to soak in something extra cool or something directly from you, and it feels really awesome when they show it. Like when my kid starts using a funny catch phrase she totally picked up from me, or, y'know, learns to read. Now that is awesome. It's amazing to watch them evolve into unique people with actual skills. My kid is learning to draw and she's actually good. I like to think she got some of that from me, either through genetics or because I sit down to draw a lot with them. Either way, I enjoy seeing my kids learn new skills.

I taught this kid to read and now she stays up late doing it!

4. When you need someone to geek out with.
Your kid loves you and thinks that everything you love is awesome by default. So when your spouse is tired of hearing you talk about Pokemon (here's looking at you, Tim!) your kid will be there to nerd out with you. When you need an excuse to re-read all of the Harry Potter books, just start reading them to your kid. Soon they will become a nerd just like you and you can enjoy it together.

5. When you need someone in your corner.
There are plenty of people out there that can make you feel like crap. Some days, you might replay a conversation in your head over and over again and feel like an idiot because of something you said. Sometimes, people out in your workplace or friend group just don't get you and it's a huge bummer. If you haven't tried venting to your kid yet, you need to. The other day I was upset by something that someone said to me and after being sad about it for a while, I told my oldest all about it. She cried with me and we talked about how it's important to be careful with what we say so we don't hurt others. She was totally in my corner, and I'm not going to lie, it felt great.

This cutie is 100% Team Mom

So, what do YOU think makes parenthood extra awesome?

This post is part of the 30 Day Challenge. 

In which I attempt to get paid for writing

For the very first time, I submitted a short essay to a website for publishing.

I chose to submit to Scary Mommy, because I've been following it on Facebook for a while and the posts make me laugh. The essays on Scary Mommy take a funny, honest look at parenthood without sugar-coating it. Since I'm a stay-at-home mom with two kids that I'm homeschooling, parenting is something I can write about. It's pretty much my full-time (albeit unpaid) job at this point. 

As I was writing for my blog, I came up with something that sort of fit in with the kind of stuff that Scary Mommy runs. I took a closer look at the website and realized that they pay $100 for published posts. $100! The process seemed easy enough, so I decided to go for it. I finished my little essay and submit it to the website. I was told that I would receive a response within a week and that they might not respond to me if they decided not to run my essay.

The waiting began. I figured it wouldn't be published and that I wouldn't hear anything back. I did start to fantasize a little about what I would do with an extra hundred bucks. As a stay-at-home mom, my lovely husband brings in all the money and we use most of it for stuff like the mortgage, bills, and food. Mostly food, if I'm being honest. If I could bring in some of my own money, to use for fun stuff...well, it sounded great! I smiled as a peeked at my Amazon wish list and imagined ordering myself a couple of books, guilt-free. After mentally spending my $100 in different ways for a few minutes, I came back to reality. I reasoned that I most likely would not be hearing back from them and the chance of getting my first essay published was pretty low. 

I was surprised when, a few days later, an email from Scary Mommy showed up in my inbox. My heart was racing as I went to open it.

Was it possible to use my words to get THESE?!

I was told it was a great post, but that it wasn't something they could use at the time. I was encouraged to keep writing and to try submitting again because they are always looking for funny stuff. 

Instead of being bummed by my rejection, I became pumped.

For the first time, I put myself out there as a writer. Sure, I didn't get published. But that doesn't mean I won't some day. I'd love to have something published on their site. It's hilarious. My kind of people, my kind of stories. I have plenty of wacky parenting experiences each day. The idea of being able to write about one, have it shared with thousands of followers, and heck, make MONEY from it...well, it's kind of the dream!

I'd love to work at this "office"- in bed with a cat on my lap.

Therefore I have made a new goal for myself- to have my writing published on Scary Mommy sometime in the next year. I'm going to give it my best. 

Your turn: Tell me about a time that you failed or were rejected. How did it affect you?

This is my first post for the 30 Day Challenge.